I hope mine doesn't look like that
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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