Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
