At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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