So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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