I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize