What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
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