Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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