Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
