It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
So many bounce houses so little time
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
