Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize