That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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