I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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