Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
