i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
