My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
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