Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
