wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
