i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
