I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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