And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Panties = found
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