There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
