If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
We are two peas in an std pod
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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