the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
