walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
being pregnant is like rehab
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize