When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
that may or may not have been my penis.
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