did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Randomize
