I cannot find my penis.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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