I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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