Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
This is the high leading the old right now
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
