I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
