so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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