After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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