I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
