I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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