Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
