I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
You're a waste of cheezeits
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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