I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I just found a bag of teeth...
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Randomize
