Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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