i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
