So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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