Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
