I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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