we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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