There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Randomize
