I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
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