"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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