Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
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