His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
