I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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