Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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