I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Randomize
