I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
