When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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