does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
