I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
