that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
