I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize