He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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