last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
