I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
