She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
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