I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
